things i hate

not a newsletter telling you to be positive

a few weeks ago, i published a list of my perfect things, one of my many overly earnest pieces as of late. a long-lost acquaintance messaged me telling me that she enjoyed reading my perfect things and that it seemed like i “have it all together” and that she wishes she could see the world as optimistically as i do. i laughed out loud alone in my apartment because in that particular moment, i couldn’t have felt farther than that person she was describing. i had a Bad Week last week. nothing detrimental happened, it was just one of those periods of time where it feels like every little thing is an intentional attack to make every day worse and worse. most people who know me know that i have a really hard time accepting moments like these, i’m sure my friends roll their eyes when they read, “but it’s honestly fineeeeeee” at the end of every gripe i hurl their way.

i think a lot of us struggle to accept the nuance of being negative. in a culture where popstars are naming their albums “radical optimism”* and “eternal sunshine” and trendy(ish) merch yield graphics with phrases such as, “local optimist”* and “love is for giving” it is shameful to admit when things sometimes just SUCK!!! almost as if it is a personal failure against your own morality and self-discipline. to me, publicly broadcasted forced positivity feels… one-dimensional? fake? uncool? robotic? and i say this as a someone who is generally regarded as being “positive”. it feels as though these albums and expensive sweatshirts and self-help podcasts/books are nothing more than adult pacifiers for us to suck onto to soothe us into believing a false illusion that our lives are a utopian fantasy built by the strength of our mental health. which is reeeaaallly boring!!!!

i don’t let myself sit in my hater-ness for long, but i’m trying to get better at acknowledging it instead of pushing it down with an exhausted grin. accepting the shittiness of a week validates that the next will enviably be better. i can still look for a bright spot in (most) situations, i can still convince my friends that they truly are as sparkly and magnetic as they are in my eyes, i can still find beauty and meaning in the small moments that fill the cracks in my day while simultaneously letting myself accept that there are and always will be pieces of my existence that i just fucking hate. AND THAT’S OKAY! i am a living, breathing, nuanced person who will never be radically optimistic all the time. and neither will you.

HERE ARE SOME THINGS THAT I HATE:

• seeing teenagers wearing airpods with their parents 

• asking for help / feeling like a damsel in distress

• how expensive umbrellas are 

• my inability to drink enough water 

• that 3 weeks when sweetgreen got rid of arugula

• having to wear a subway shirt 

• when someone says “wow, you’re so tall” as if i wasn’t aware 

• when i break my 1 cigarette max a week (if any) rule 

• the fact that ever since moving into my new apartment i’ve been waking up at 5am on the dot and can’t fall back asleep 

• when psychics tell me my love chakra is blocked and that i have to pay $200 to clear it or i’ll die alone 

• hearing someone say that they don’t like espresso by sabrina carpenter (because they’re lying and don’t let themselves have fun)

• when i’ve met someone before and they introduce themselves to me as if it was the first time 

• when i meet someone and introduce myself and they tell me that we’ve met before 

• when someone asks where something i’m wearing is from and it’s from z*ra (disclaimer: everything i have from z*ra i’ve had for a very long time and i take very good care of it)

• the fact that i accidentally haven’t worn my retainer in a month 

• anything affiliated with barstool 

• when people message me at work asking for something and start with “hi, how are you?” 

• the fact that i still can’t do a push-up 

• my weekly screen time report 

• over-ordering for the table 

• big group birthday dinners (re: summer ins and outs)

• my face shape (real, sorry) 

• how i never see my friends in the summer as consistently as i would like to

• when boys who are in relationships like my own or my friend’s instagram stories   

• when a barre/pilates/sculpt instructors says you’re done after 8 counts only to go into another 8-count hold

• buying a hardcover book and disliking it

• restaurant tik tok culture 

• seeing someone stand too close to the edge of the subway platform 

• running into someone and saying, “we should hangout!” but not actually meaning it 

• almond milk

• seeing my side profile unexpectantly

• procrastinating 

• reading a book slowly 

• when my computer monitor at work disconnects and goes black when i’m in the middle of working on something intensely

• my bad posture/scoliosis 

• how many mosquito bites i get (they love me)

• the act of self-tanning

• the conversation surrounding when people are starting botox 

• being too busy and consequently feeling like a bad friend 

• how little movies i’ve seen this summer 

• katy perry’s new rebrand (I LOVE KATY PERRY AND I JUST WANT MORE FROM HER!!!!!!!!!!!!) 

• ordering from amazon out of laziness 

• how tiny bikinis these days are (someone please send me a cute suit i can wear in front of my family i’ve been scolded for this one) 

• the idea of skiing

• the wellness industrial complex (just sleep and eat a vegetable) 

• the anxiety of being late 

• my lack of knowledge about wine 

• forgetting to text someone back 

• bad filler-small-talk (i’m actually not anti-small talk, i’m anti-bad small talk… dry toast small talk. the kind where nothing of substance or interest or humor is conveyed, and it feels like the conversational equivalent to eating a holy communion wafer) 

*this is where i confess that i bought the local optimist MH crewneck in 2020*

**also to clarify, i am not a dua hater, i love her actually and i like houdini off the radical optimist album**

i ~hate~ to say it but, I FEEL BETTER after writing my list. a lot of these are extremely trivial, which is the point. sometimes letting yourself feel annoyed by the trivial is a cathartic enough release to keep you moving forward.

HAVE A GREAT WEEEEEEK! (but also, if it’s a Bad Week that’s okay).

i’m going to be at the beach, so i might not publish next sunday (i probably still will but this way i will feel less guilty if i don’t). thank you for reading :)

XOXOXOXO