my perfect things

(updated)

most of my life has been spent in the pursuit of being Better: smarter, wittier, calmer, funnier, prettier, skinnier, blonder, more outgoing, less outgoing… this manifested into the feeling of being on a merry-go-round that twirls at a velocity that makes you want to retch all thoughts of self-improvement. once you finally make it off this spinning carousel there is a distinct note of dizziness as you try to steady yourself into a life held by realistic standards of yourself.

this is surprisingly not going to be an essay about ~embracing my imperfections~ which i do find to be important, but exhausting. and i’m tired and dizzy! at this moment i want to settle into the beautiful, special, charming pockets of my world that i deem to be perfect.

i published that ^ almost a year ago, i almost deleted it just now because i find it deeply embarrassing to care or strive to be Perfect which only adds to the cycle of disappointment with myself- i re-read my perfect things and added a few, sitting with my list made me feel better than anything else has over the past month, i think because it feels so static yet calls upon evolving areas of my life (my family, where i grew up, new and old friends etc.). maybe it comforts me to know that who i am and always will be is not a vapid emblem of betterment but instead a columniation of small moments that make the smile lines on my face more pronounced and my breath to lengthen with ease.

ENJOY!

my perfect things:

• texts from friends with disposable photos of forgotten moments

• falling asleep with a book in your hand 

• exclamation marks

• the shift in someone’s eyes when you come into their focus

• the prada ss23 show 

• ribs by lorde

• when angelina says, “i have chills!”

• reaching into a pocket and finding a souvenir from a really great night (ie karaoke ticket, match book, number from a stranger etc.) 

• the cardamom bun at la cabra 

• watching my sister deep in conversation with someone and catching the ricochet of her warmth

• bodega flowers 

• the smell of basil and mint together

• the feeling of linen on freshly showered skin

• the stark newness of a drastic haircut or new tattoo

• singing “before he cheats” at karaoke

• when sydney (b) slips into a southern drawl mid-conversation

• seeing my parents drink their coffee on the porch together in the morning while they read the newspaper

• that one moment at a concert when the artist stops singing and the crowd carries the song

• remembering to actually breathe during yoga

• twizzlers and diet coke

• the clanking of beach chairs being carried up the dunes

• any apartment party that angelina throws

• passing by jersey produce farm stands on the way to the beach

• the mosaic tile of hats at the 23rd street subway stop 

• sourdough bread and salted butter 

• red socks

• being seated right away

• realizing i haven’t checked my phone in hours

• anything angelina or sydney (s) orders for the table

• a philadelphia soft pretzel and blue water ice

• the creaky wooden stairs at my parents’ house

• my bathtub being in my kitchen

• the lobby bar at the chelsea hotel

• walking home after seeing a movie when everything feels slightly different than before

• my grandmother’s old beat up chanel bag 

• save me the plums by ruth reichl 

• having a crush

• flakey maldon salt

• stumbling upon a manhattanhenge sunset

• the high line in the morning 

• eating whipped cream from the can

• seeing strangers holding hands

• red nail polish

• sydney when she’s wearing earmuffs

• sydney when she’s not wearing earmuffs

• laughing at work

• my brother explaining what music he’s been listening to lately

• the “they shoot single people, don’t they?” episode of sex and the city

• a cartier tank watch (unfortunately)

• listening to my mom explain something she’s really passionate about and seeing her big blue eyes get even wider as she speaks

• running into a friend on the street and having a stop-and-chat

• an outdoor shower

• pants that aren’t too short

• popcorn made on the stove

• giving compliments to strangers

• getting compliments from strangers

• when my peppermint tea is at the optimal temperature by the time i get into bed

• the inexplicable fleeting wave of interconnectedness of new york- somehow in a city so large you are exactly where you are meant to be and with the people you are meant to be with at that very moment

• finishing a book in one day at the beach

• the sound of heels clicking on a sidewalk

• pina coladas

• watching a movie while knitting

being an imperfect person gets easier once you build a world around you filled with so much perfection.

thank you for reading !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!