things that are none of your business

obsessing over self-obsession (again)

i have an intense, enduring, constricting relationship with rumination. it’s probably the most embarrassing thing about me, i find self-obsession to be a disgusting quality because i know how capable i am of doing nothing other than sitting and thinking about the individuals strands of hair on my head. i sometimes still slip into moments of self-indulgence, they sneak up on me like gum on the bottom of my shoe. at first i notice the stickiness and try to ignore it. then it feels strangely heavy to walk and it’s always too late, i have to animalistically scrape the minutia from the bottom of my sole to get back to a clean, normal state. what helps me the most is coming back to the realization that the things that are so addicting to ruminate on are simply none of my business… it’s the only thing i can say to myself to snap back into homeostasis. i was slightly drunk at a party a few years ago and a stranger asked where i see myself in 5 years (insane party question, literally never ask this). i laughed and said, “that is none of my business.” the second i said it, i knew i meant it and immediately felt better than before, i didn't even know anything was wrong to begin with.

and with that….

things that are none of your business

• leaked music

• how people perceive you

• what someone is doing when they’re not texting/emailing you back

• whether someone will text/email you back at all (everyone who is waiting for a text or email from me right now is screaming at their device)

• how little someone else ate

• how much someone else ate

• why someone couldn’t come to your party

• another person’s accomplishments (say congrats and move on)

• whether people are gossiping about you

• how you look while having sex

• whether someone still thinks about you from time to time (unless they tell you and make it your business)

• how boys speak about women amongst themselves

• how girls speak about men amongst themselves

• what you said/did when you were drunk (no one remembers it anywayyyyyyyyy)

• other people’s locations on find my friends (unless it is a emergency)

• whether aliens exist (now baby, what are YOU gonna do about it?)

• how much money someone else has (or how much you think they have)

• how many books someone else read

• whether someone finds you funny (actually, i’m going to take this one off, this is my business)

• the ability for civilians to go to space (don’t get me STARTED)

• anyone who is going on vacation to japan or mexico city

• whether someone finds you attractive or not (unless they’re your partner etc. etc.)

• the hypothetical stories you make up in your head instead of just vulnerably asking someone what they’re thinking

now that i have you… these things should feel freeing to let go of, but while i hope this reads like honey i want to pair it with things that you should be taking up your brain space. i think a lot about how we are in an etiquette crisis, every time i talk to my friends about interactions they have at parties or their dating horror stories i just want to beg everyone (including myself) to prioritize things that actually matter.

things that ARE your business

• the questions you ask your family

• the music you play in your living space

• your screen time

• the way in which you apologize (which should be often and done with glamour)

• how you make your friends feel when you’re with them

• the food you eat

• your ability to metabolize your regrets

• ensuring everyone else at the table has water before you do

• whether you look someone else in the eyes when you ask them how their day was

• the values you structure your life by

• the media you consume

• how you treat someone while dating them

• how you treat someone after dating them

• noticing when you simply just feel good

• how many hours of sleep you get (writing this at 11:30 pm exhausted and have to be at my desk at 8 am tomorrow so… do as i say not as i do)

• your ability to have difficult conversations with elegance and empathy

• how you feel in your clothes

• the genuine practice of forgiveness

• how often you are going to the dentist

• whether your friends ask you about your family

• whether you ask your friends about their family

• how much you’re still yearning for someone/something (few things in life are truly ever that serious, say how you feel with grace and earnesty. there’s nothing to lose, your ego will bounce back, we’re all spinning on a rock) (easier said than done, obviously...)

• your vocabulary

• how much fun you’re having

• your ability to enjoy being with yourself

• how many books you read

• the respect you give strangers, no matter how insignificant they seem to your life they are just as important as you.

i sometimes struggle writing things like this because it makes me seem as though i have everything figured out. realistically i have almost nothing figured out… which is the whole point! none of us do. there are some bullets on both lists i need to keep coming back to as reminders, but that’s okay. spring has kind of made me feel insane in the way that spring usually does, and writing this has made me feel more sane xx

also thank you for letting me crash out last week, i received so many texts and messages and it made me feel like the luckiest girl in the world.

i appreciate you !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i am going to write about wrinkly clothes next week.