the delicate art of gossip

basically, how to talk shit

a while ago, i was politely chatting with a random boy at a party who proudly revealed that he “hates gossiping” and believes it to be a “lazy form of communication.” as he said this i felt his moody brooding aura float above him swirling around with the pink bubbles of elation that waft from my skin. i slightly crooked my head, flashed my widest smile and said, “i tend to belong to the church of gossip as a form of storytelling” hoping the teeny tiny sliver of charm i possess would deflect his strange tension towards me. instead, he gave me a look i’ve seen many a time when i tell someone i love reality tv, dripping with moral disgust and condescending sympathy for my sugary brain.

i come from a long, illustrious, prolific line of gossips. growing up my world was built through whispered sentences i would hear underneath dinner tables as ice clinked in glasses of chardonnay. my grandmother would regale me for hours on our landline phone dramatically telling stories of her friends and coworkers as if we were living inside a tennessee williams play. my aunt would sit on the phone with her leg up in a flamingo pose and write hilarious notes in the margins of magazines while hearing the latest problems that plagued the women of boca raton. my sister and i would stay up for hours in our twin beds talking about our parents in hushed tones, both of us trying to make sense of their wholeness through anecdotes we would piece together. i was raised to believe that good-natured, smart, evocative gossip is the texture of life that animates the mundanity into something epic. gossip was never considered rude to us, it was our own way of exchanging our perspectives on the world as if they were a fabulous gift to each other. familial gossip is how i constructed the foundation for my beliefs on politics, the rights and wrongs of friendship, and dynamics of love. the way someone gossips is how i begin to understand the scale of their value systems, how one perceives a specific situation can be more revealing and intimate to me than sharing a meal with a friend or sleeping beside a partner.

in preparation for writing this i spoke to my sister, hannah, and my aunt liz about their perspectives. the two of them are among my favorite theatrical enthusiasts of the spoken word, and i knew they would provide overflowing wisdom on the topic.

aunt liz on gossip: “Gossip has a bad rap. It is thought of as the vapid natterings of old biddies and gossip girls. I want to rescue gossip from the dregs of discourse to elevate it to its rightful place as a form of egalitarian art that all can access. I am not referring here to celebrity tid bits or put downs of any kind. I’m talking gossip sessions. I’m here for idle gossip!!! It requires idle time to spin out tales of human behavior. It questions others and our own foibles and fates. It considers crossroads we confront, personalities, observations, behavior and exchanges that require a deeper consideration. One of my favorite quote is from Langston Hughes, ‘My motto as I live and learn is to dig and be dug in return.’ That is what a good gossip session provides us. A way to more deeply understand and to relish each other. The best gossips I know are curious, observant, empathetic and funny!!!! Let us make idle time for gossip!!!!”

hannah on gossip: “Sooooo I think that in general gossip is a overwhelmingly positive thing. I understand the narrative of gossip being an unkind or unbecoming act, but I really feel like that school of thought has been used as a way to stifle communication amongst women and prevent information sharing. I think it is a powerful vehicle for processing our feelings about certain situations and connecting on shared ideologies”

now, it is time to clarify that the line between gossiping for the ego and gossiping for the story is so thin it can be indistinguishable at times. to gossip for the ego is what i describe as simply “talking shit.” i am not going to take a boring and moralistic view that we should never talk shit. some people are insane and deserve to be talked about and i believe there should be ramifications for our actions in this uncouth society we have found ourselves in. however, there is a certain kind of gossip for the ego that veers into a malicious feast for our own self-perception. i.e. talking about someone’s relationship while you yearn to be in one, speculating on someone’s salary while you cringe at your own bank account, commenting on someone’s body like you didn't just flinch at an unexpected image of your side profile. this type of conversation is boring, self-indulgent and is what gives gossip a bad reputation.

last night my friends and i asked an acquaintance his perspective on the topic (this particular character also delivered us with an incredible ins and outs list during a holiday party that we haven’t stopped thinking about- IN: discernment, OUT: fear). he took a long pause and said, “well, i personally love talking shit.” i thought about this and said to him, “no totallyyyyyy, but aren’t you ever worried about the… moral ramifications?” he took a sip of his beer and replied, “i think we should all just stop being so sensitive, we shouldn't care that much if someone is talking about us, it really doesn't matter.” transparently, i forget what i said after this because i was slowly dissenting into a state of ferality, BUT it made me think about whether i care if people are gossiping about *me* behind my back. one of the core Philosophies of Emily is that i believe i am really not that important…. i say this in a freeing way and not as a tool for self-deprecation. i am not special, the world does not revolve around me more so than it does for the stranger in front of me at the supermarket. i suppose some people probably talk shit about me, but it really isn’t any of my business. i will always lead with kindness and will treat everyone in my life with respect, any shit that is talked beyond that is nothing i am concerned with.

and with that….

my do’s and don’ts of gossip

DO

• gossip with the inner circle but try not to gossip about the inner circle

• gossip with strangers. i can’t stress this enough. i’ll be yapping with my man at the muffin stand at the union square farmers market and it will be the highlight of my day

• try to prioritize low-stakes topics where everyone involved is removed from the subject

• talk with your hands and use exclamation marks (!!!!!)

• use gossip as a productive form of information sharing

  • re: hannah’s eloquent quote above

• admit when you are wrong, went too far or were simply just being a bitch (used genderlessly) (also, it happensssss)

• understand your insecurities well though to know when you are gossiping for the ego

DON’T

• talk ill of someone’s appearance, it will always be extremely uninteresting and unchic. grow up!

• involve yourself into the gossip unless you’re in the mood for some drama and can handle the ricochet

• judge someone’s life choices they make in the earnest pursuit of happiness… we’re all just trying to bump ourselves around in search of harmony, joy, love, fulfillment etc. etc. etc.

• gossip with someone who can’t handle it. we all know a few…

without gossip, hair salons would be silent except for the violent roar of blow dryers, many women wouldn’t have had the courage to go to their boss asking for more money, phone calls would cease to exist more than they already have, i wouldn’t have a reason to laugh with my super in the hallway before walking to work in the morning, and we wouldn’t have the work of shakespeare, jane austen, or edith wharton. i implore everyone to prioritize the art of gossip in your relationships for no other reason than to simply add in more color, viscerally and connection into the world, which in my opinion is reason enough to do anything.

i wrote and edited most of this and then went to a candlelit yoga class. as i walked out of class my head was still heavy from savasana and the million drinks i consumed last night. i heard two girls shriek by the lockers, “emmanuel was being so weird last light” another girl replied “no he was being INSANE!!!” i couldn’t stifle my smile, the girls looked at me and said, “sorry we’re being so loud.” i quickly replied and said, “never apologize, keep gossiping, and fuck that guy!”

i hope this reads as a love letter for gabbing and chatting and tittering and laughing with people, the art of good gossip is a muscle that should be flexed to simply enjoy the delicacy of a strong connection to which we are becoming increasingly devoid of!!!!! also, i will write an entire essay with my aunt liz this summer, stay tuned for that. but, in the meantime ask your family their perspectives on gossip!!!!!!!!!!!!

sorry for saying “gossip” so much… got lazy there. it happens!

as some angel cake housekeeping, i was hanging out with Ava from Bookbear Express last week and we were talking about putting together a platonic matchmaking service for readers, if you would be interested and live in new york city please vote in the below poll!!!

THANK YOU FOR READING !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!