CAKE FOR LUNCH: A MODERN-DAY ETIQUETTE GUIDE

a Lunch on Friday x angel cake collab !

Editor’s note: Angelina and Emily both own their own copies of Emily Post’s “Etiquette” passed down from their respective families. They have an appreciation and inclination toward people who demonstrate thoughtfulness and good character and will never let a birthday go by without handwritten card. In a city where your neighbors refuse to greet each other in the hallway, they find themselves asking each other “where is our decorum these days?”. This is not a guide telling you know to formally set a table or what to bring as a wedding present, instead it is just a call for everyone to be an outstanding friend and remember the manners that truly matter in these modern times.

OUR MODERN-DAY ETIQUETTE GUIDE:

take your shoes off in someone's home, unless they say otherwise

Angelina: I’m not sure whether this is a hot take or not, but I was surprised to see that someone in the NYT’s The Everything Guide to Partying wrote, “Please don’t ask people to take off their shoes when entering your apartment. It’s rude.” While I wholeheartedly agree that you should not enforce a shoes-off rule at a party (I would never ask people to take their shoes off at my parties and I roll my rug up for this reason), I do think that it’s a sign of respect to take your shoes off in someone’s home or at least ask if you should. I have an ivory rug in my living room that would get dirty very easily if there were black-soled shoes on it (obviously!), so I prefer for friends to take their shoes off when they come over. Also, the streets of New York (and any city, really) are so dirty! Be respectful! God!!!!

Emily: That one SATC episode, A Women’s Right to Shoes, is one of the few instances I really disagreed with Carrie and was shocked that she had spent the past 6 seasons clomping around her friend’s apartment in her worn-in Manolo Blahniks. There definitely are moments where I’ve had to take my shoes off and revealed mis-matched athletic socks or a chipped pedicure, but I really don’t care because A. We’re all just spinning on a floating rock it’s not that deep and B. I am just thankful to be invited in someone’s house in the first place, it’s not my place to be offended that they don’t want dirt on their floors… especially in a city!!!!! Don’t be weird, take your shoes off. 

bring flowers to a housewarming

Emily: One of my favorite things about living in New York is the art of a housewarming- in a city where most people are at the mercy of their landlords it feels like we perpetually have at least one person we know that is either looking for apartments or moving apartments. This means that housewarmings are abundant. I will never show up to a housewarming without flowers, to me it is the chicest and cheapest (the flowers are Trader Joe’s are literally $3) way to welcome your friend into their new space. I tend to go for lilies or hydrangeas in the summer. This goes for boy’s housewarming parties too- Bring Men Flowers.  

Angelina: Who doesn’t love receiving flowers! They cheer up any space, and as Emily said, they can be purchased for cheap. I will say, I usually bring homemade chocolate chip cookies to a housewarming. These also cheer up any space (and stomach).

Emily: Okay yeah… Chocolate chip cookies > flowers, but we all know I am not a great baker so if you invite both Angelina and I to your housewarming you will be guaranteed cookies AND flowers. How great is that?

handwritten thank yous / birthday cards

Angelina: Handwritten birthday cards, especially if they are MAILED, are the greatest thing to receive, and everyone always appreciates these. Even if you haven’t gotten someone a gift, a birthday card, in my opinion, is just as important, if not better. I save a lot of my birthday cards from people (I’m Marie Kondo’s worst nightmare in that way), but words are so important to me. Handwritten thank you notes are also very important and are in a league of their own. Sending these goes the extra mile, and the cool thing about them is that they can be sent for so many different reasons. A favorite thank you I received was from my friend Devon, on a postcard that he sent me in the mail (all the way from Bushwick to Greenwich Village), thanking me for inviting him to my party. He wrote that I have “such a great way of bringing people together,” and reading this meant so much to me that I have his postcard on my fridge in my pink kitchen.

Emily: One thing about me that I try to reveal slowly is that I… have horrible handwriting. I used to be embarrassed by this mostly because of the reactions I have gotten (I have been told I have Boy Handwriting) I have however reframed this into an endearing quality that makes me, me (at least that is what I am telling myself). I ALWAYS make sure to write a handwritten birthday / thank you / Christmas card to my friends that are always a bit sappier than they should be. I have grown to love the look on my friends face as they try to transcribe my scribbling penmanship, puzzled and touched at the same time.

wear a conversation starter piece to a party

Emily: Whenever I am going to meet a function where I will be meeting a lot of new people for the first time, I always make sure to wear something that can be a conversation starter (i.e. my best friends necklace which is actually just a sample from work, a giant hair bow that reminds me of the ones I used to wear as a kid, or my gold watch that my mom bought me for Christmas not realizing I would love it so much (men love to ask you about your watch…)). Clothes are a great way for someone to get to know you, most of my clothes have a backstory behind them and I find it a lot easier to talk about my outfit than try to explain to someone what I do for work. if someone knows your closet, they know you.

Angelina: AGREE WITH EVERYTHING EMILY SAID. Also, we met this girl at a party earlier this summer who was wearing the most adorable cobalt blue smock top, which we learned (from asking her about it) was a VINTAGE APRON. She had purchased it earlier that day and decided to wear it to the party. It was the perfect conversation piece. We ended up talking to her for most of the party, and I even sent her my summer bucket list because she wanted to adopt a few of the items on my list. What a special night.

Emily: We have since described her as “the muffin” because she was just such a muffin <3

keep a log of your friends’ addresses with apartment numbers

Emily: This past year I had a few too many times where I had to text some of my dearest friends asking them the specific # their apartment was and there is something about that that just does not sit right with me. I started a notes app directory for all my friends that has come in extremely handy… one of these days I’ll have a physical address book… baby steps…

Angelina: I put everyone’s addresses and birthdays in their contacts in my iPhone. It makes it easy to find the addresses when I need them, and the birthdays are linked to my Apple calendar, so I’m always prepped to send birthday texts. Keeping track of your friends’ and family’s information like this shows that you care about them and pay attention to them. It also eliminates the “what’s your address again” text, which is such a bother to send (and receive).

Pour water for the table before filling up your own glass

Emily: I don’t know if I’ve ever told anyone this before but one of the first signs that I know I’ll like someone is whether they pour water for the table before filling up their glass. It signals a lack of self-centeredness and that you pay attention to the needs of the group. I appreciate anyone who notices and cares about the status quo of the evening almost as if they are a social architect of sorts.

Angelina: I’m just obsessed with being hydrated which is why I do this. I don’t think my friends are drinking as much water as they should be. Lmao

make an effort to remember someone’s name

Angelina: This is a big one for me – I get it from my dad. Asking the name of your server or anyone you’re talking to breaks a certain barrier that later facilitates a more meaningful interaction. I love knowing the names of hosts, servers, baristas, retail store employees, and anyone I’m interacting with, especially in my neighborhood. A little secret is that I keep a list in my notes app of their names in case I ever forget. (Walking into Raoul’s and greeting the staff by first name is an easier way to get a table, just saying.)

Emily: This is one of the first things I noticed about Angelina, she asks for hosts, servers, baristas etc. names and always remembers them- I remember witnessing her recall a waiter’s name with ease and warmth and thought to myself, “God, she is so chic”.

thoughtful birthday gifts

Emily: Gift giving is unfortunately (fortunately?) my love language. I love giving gifts. I firmly believe that a good gift has very little to do with the price associated with it. Some of the best presents I have ever given have been a book of poetry I remembered that Jacey loved, a black New York City Ballet t-shirt that screamed Angelina because it felt subtly girly but was also black and referenced New York and a $3 vinyl record from my 70s that I knew my little brother would love (he did). All of these gifts were relatively inexpensive and meant more to them than if I bought that cost Something but didn’t feel unique to them. It definitely takes more time to think of a thoughtful gift but that’s what long walks are for.

Angelina: Emily is a PHENOMENAL gift-giver, and I love my New York City Ballet shirt so very much. I think thoughtful birthday gifts can be very special without being expensive. When I know what I want to gift someone for their birthday at any point during the year, I make a note of this if their actual birthday is still far away, so I’m prepared when the time comes. An “easy” thoughtful birthday gift that I give a lot is a book that I think that person would like. Books are usually under $30 and if someone enjoys reading, they are a great gift to receive.

dress well for the airport

Angelina: This is one of my hottest takes, and if I ever make it onto Subway Takes, this is what I’ll be discussing. Dress well for the airport. I’m not saying men still need to wear suits and women need to wear heels, but I think wearing sweatpants to the airport is sloppy and not a respectable way to present yourself for travel. Flying is a privilege – it's still very expensive in the US, and traveling should be a special experience. You never know whom you’ll be sitting next to. What if it’s someone who can help you acquire your future dream job? Or what if it’s someone you might fall in love with? Do you really want to be wearing the sweatpants you wore to bed last night? (Again, I realize this is a hot take. I’ve been made fun of it since college and will stand by it forever.)

Emily: I dressed in sweatpants to board a long flight to Hawaii this past year and felt ashamed. It didn’t matter that everyone else was dressed in sweats I just didn’t feel like Myself. There is nothing more inevitably humbling than turning to look at yourself in the florescent light of an airport bathroom, you might as well like your outfit.

be the first one to say hello

Emily: Angelina is particularly good at this, if she’s met someone once in passing, she will be the first one to go up to someone and recall the interaction. I’ve been trying to get better at going up to people I run into in the wild, historically I kind of loathe the anticipation of making small talk while I’m running errands, but I always end up having the loveliest conversations. It’s extremely cool to say hi first. Also if you see a crush- go up to them. It’s fine. Most of all, I think the chicest thing one can do is make someone feel comfortable in your presence… everyone is insecure no matter how confident they seem!!!

Angelina: My dad always says, “It doesn’t cost anything to say hello to people,” so my brother and I are particularly good at this. (Thank you, Emily.) I love saying hi. I’m actually laughing as I write this because one of my bits this summer has been my morning walks whenever I’m outside of New York where I say “good morning” to everyone and text the girls group chat how excited this makes me. Also, if you’re crossing paths with someone in your building’s hallway, why wouldn’t you say hello? Let’s all get over ourselves.

keep your friends' secrets

Emily: I suffer from a gossip syndrome; I think my case is particularly bad because I believe gossip is a form of storytelling and I am also really bad at lying… I have however been trying to get better at keeping secrets lately because the leak of a secret is a level of drama, I simply don’t have time for and it feels horrible. As Emily Post says, “good tempered, amusing gossip, like salt, adds flavor but is best used sparingly”.

Angelina: One thing about me is I can keep a secret. My mom was never a gossip, and so neither am I. If someone tells me something in confidence, I’m taking it to my grave. As my dad says, Omertà (A Southern Italian code of silence).

Emily: I told my aunt I was writing this piece and was planning to reference Emily Post, and she sent me this. That tells you all you need to know about how I was raised to treat gossip.

always carry literature

Angelina: My mom recently sent me a video of Sarah Jessica Parker talking about how it was a rule in her family growing up that you couldn’t leave the house without a book. This is a personal rule for me as well. I almost always leave the house with a book or some sort of literature to read – you really never know when you'll be waiting in line for something or sitting in a quiet area with a few minutes to squeeze in some reading. If for some reason I don’t have a book, well, that's what the Substack app is for, but it’s a lot more intellectual to be carrying physical literature.

Emily: A few weeks ago, Angelina and I made plans to meet at the bar of the Chelsea Hotel on her birthday after a dinner with her dad and brother, she didn’t know ~exactly~ when she would be done but it didn’t matter to me because I made sure to bring a book and read while I waited. If I was sitting on my phone, it would have set the entire tone of the evening on a very unchic note.

text your friends to make sure they got home safely

Angelina: A small but mighty term of endearment. I need to know if my little chickens are back in their coops.

Emily: I know we all have each other on Find my Friends but I still like to send a message to my friends and ask them to text me when they get home so they know that I am thinking about them <3

put your phone away at the table

Angelina: I was talking to someone about this at the Substack bestsellers event last week, as we were both so engaged in the conversation with our phones tucked away in our handbags. It is an ultimate sign of respect to have your phone out of sight when talking with someone, and this especially comes into play at the dinner table. I remember my college ex-boyfriend telling me that after his parents met me for the first time, his mother commented on how impressed she was that I didn’t pull my phone out once during the entire duration of the dinner. People pay attention to this – even if you don’t think they do, trust me, they do. (Also, wear a watch if you want to know what time it is. And not an Apple Watch. Don’t be gauche.)

Emily: And if I ever end up on Subway Takes, my take will be that if you are not actively on a run or working out…. you shouldn’t be wearing an Apple Watch. I’m a big proponent of keeping your phone off the table not just facing down, more and more young adults are regressing into something resembling an iPad kid in public and it needs to be stopped. I think a lot of us are in-denial with how much our phones distract us and how much of a crutch they can be when we feel awkward. It can definitely be uncomfortable not to reach for your phone or to resist the urge to check it but…. can we all just try to figure it out?

it’s okay to not let your friends borrow something of yours

Emily: So, I have a sister. Whom I love dearly (re: the beautiful annoyance of a sister). However, our closeness in age and my love for clothes has given me a bit of PTSD regarding letting her borrow things and receiving them in…. not the state I gave them in (Hannah, please don’t get mad I put this in here). I would let all of my close friends borrow most things in my closet and I have an open-door policy with that- but, there are a few things that are very sentimental and special to me that I will never lend out. AND THAT’S OKAY!  It’s not worth the anxiety or annoyance, a good friend is not going to mind.

Angelina: So, I don’t have a sister. For that reason, I grew up not really having to let people borrow my clothes. I have a bit of OCD and am very particular about my things and how they’re cleaned and how they’re maintained, and I truthfully don’t love letting people borrow stuff from me. If it’s a close friend that I trust—by all means—they can borrow the shirt off my back for all I care! However, if the item is something of importance to me and I don’t want someone else to be entrusted with it, the answer is a respectful no. To Emily’s point, a good friend will not be offended by this.

APPENDIX: recommended vocabulary to incorporate

• "having dinner" (instead of getting, grabbing, etc)

• "calling a car" (instead of calling an uber)

• fabulous

• very chic

• describing things as “smart”

• having a laugh / having a play

• gauche

• describing something as “looking successful”

• “I’m so happy you are here”

THANK YOU FOR READING!

subscribe to Lunch on Friday (Angelina) here.

subscribe to angel cake (emily) here.