we should be embarrassed actually

this is unfortunately about meta glasses

last weekend my friends and i were sitting in my parent’s warm blue living room drinking coconut margaritas talking about everything and nothing. it was the type of conversation that only happens in the summer when all of our real-life problems somehow melt away in the sun. after some conversational meandering, the topic of the new meta glasses came up. we all groaned at the same time, and started to hypothesize why anybody would feel the need to wear something that blocks our ability to live fully in the present without fear of unconsenting perception more so than we have already relinquished. aside from being just a useful tool for influencers (i guess) we concluded that it might be a way for people to take pictures in slightly “vulnerable settings” such as restaurants or clubs or house parties where it can be seen as embarrassing to whip out your phone and expose that you are delaying your satisfaction for artificial consumption. and to this i say, GROW UPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!! if you’re going to take a picture of anything, own it and move on with your life. don’t be weird! there is a lot to learn in the boundaries of your own discomfort, your threshold for embarrassing yourself for the sake of earnest remembrance is one of them.

embarrassment is an emotion i feel often yet let slide off my skin before piercing into my bloodstream. i am cursed and blessed with a a level of self-awareness to feel the weight of my humiliation laid in my audience’s pity, and i am also existential enough to know that i am my own self and the only things that matter are whatever i get to feel and consequently say or do, which is often embarrassing! i frequently recount the ways in which i handle predicaments i get myself into of all kinds and am met with bewilderment, neither this reaction nor my embarrassing words or actions really bother me that much. now dear reader to be clear, this does not mean i am the most confident person that walks in a room, i still get a sprinkle of anxiety attending a party alone when i don’t know anybody, worry that i am staring too much at strangers when i am on the subway, and dread being sung “happy birthday” every year. the point is that i let myself move through these things in a way that does not hinder my ability to lap up every second of my life without any (major) regret… regret in pursuit of self-preservation will weigh you down, embarrassment will set you free.

i suppose i get a bit disgusted at the opposing idea that we desire to be perceived as living in the moment as a metric for an evolved mind, yet it seems like everyone i know seems to want to secretly broadcast that moment where they are Living In The Moment to every friend, acquaintance, colleague, family member, crush on their follower list. my stomach twists when i think about the desire of my peers to capture a present moment being stronger than their self-assurance to admit they are doing so. i worry that our appetite for perception paired with our discomfort for embarrassment is only going to create a culture where no one is dancing or eating or slouching in their chair while getting lost in a really good conversation without the fear of undisclosed surveillance because no one is themselves enough to take out their phone and admit that they want to invite thousands of other individuals in. whenever i catch up with people i haven’t seen in a while they are always shocked when they learn about the things i have been up to that only the people i talk to on a weekly basis would know about, the places i eat, the movies i see, the spaces i dance in, the drinks i drink, are for the most part, mine. i let a teeny tiny sliver of my life up for other people to bite into, and the rest i keep to satiate myself. taking a photo or video should be slightly uncomfortable, but you should swallow your embarrassment for long enough to just admit that you want to put this tiny little sliver in your back pocket for later, just before you return back to the present moment.

the conversation surrounding meta glasses was interrupted by Angelina Hazzouri bringing in tiny little slivers of tomato ends from the meal she was graciously cooking for us while i lapped up margaritas. in that moment they were the most beautiful vibrant little saucers dripping with olive oil and flakes of salt and pepper, it felt like i had never seen anyone more beautiful in my life. she set the plate down in-between my expressions of gratitude and shock that somebody could be as domestically blessed as she is, i took my phone out, took a picture and then turned back to the present to bask in the glow of my friends. it was as easy and delicious as life can be, and i didn’t think twice about it.

angelina’s tomatoes <3

THANK YOU FOR READING! i accidentally took a month off.. i will always prioritize living an interesting life so i actually have things to write about, and that can sometimes result in unexpected hiatuses, especially in the summer! however i promise to ~try~ not to go longer than a month, you have my word.

also it goes without saying i am extremely pro no-phone concerts, shows, clubs, restaurants etc.

i am editing this while slightly carsick on the bus coming back from the jersey shore while my skin is still salty from the ocean, my hair is still wet from my impulsive swim 20 minutes before my departure, my skin is radiating heat, and i am full of oysters and beer. i hope you had an amazing weekend, AND i hope you are having a fantastic summer where you realize that you can do whatever you want, at all times, in pursuit of pleasure and elegance and kindness and joy.

my rules for a hedonistic summer

• frozen drinks in every borough

• standing reservations

• no sad music (except ribs by lorde and that new steve lacy song….)

• remembrance of free will

• toe rings

• do not be mysterious

• matinee movies

• bite off more than you can chew

• self-actualize in the sun

• dance often

xoxoxo