a few weeks ago i was walking home from a date that was perfectly Fine, which is arguably the worst kind of date… the best kind are either so bad it is a funny story or so good that you feel giddy after. (disclaimer: i make an effort to NOT write about my dating life in angel cake as it tends to get me into a pickle, this is the most you’ll get) (there is a small gaggle of men floating around here who have been on dates with me this summer- if you think this is about you, it is not, unless it is) (it’s not) (exhibit a: pickle)) i decided to take the long way back to my apartment through the west village to think on what made the date Fine. i was wearing a tight long white skirt and black leather flip flops, i stopped into one of the 238478374 van leeuwen’s in lower manhattan and got a scoop of marionberry ice cream on a cone (recommended by a girl who knows ice cream), walked outside and lit a cigarette (if any important adults in my life are reading this, ignore the cigarette part, please). i was wandering down the corner of christopher and waverly st when a bodacious australian man in his sixties with a gray ponytail and a little dog came out onto his stoop (we’re going to call him phil to protect his identity). he bellowed down to me, “it is so nice to see a proper west village woman strolling the streets” i laughed as i was in between licks of my ice cream and drags of my cigarette and replied, “my guy, that is a slanderous term these days!” he shouted back, “i said woman! not girl! it IS nice to be a west village woman.” he had me there. he asked me how my night was, i sighed and said, “i went on a date, it was like Totally Fine… but i don’t think he had any swag.” i had no idea i was going to say that before it spilled out of my mouth. to his credit, he was unfazed by this, nodded and replied, “you are either born with swag or you are not. it is survival of the fittest.” i disagreed with this and we shot the shit a little until he seamlessly asked to take me out on a date which is when i realized i was misreading the situation and the air soured in that particular way when the purity of an interaction turns unrequitedly sexual. i warmly declined and said i would see him around the neighborhood, he platonically shook my hand and said, “see you soon, whoever gets to be with you is the luckiest guy in the world.” i smiled and said, “thank you, whoever that is, i’ll be sure to tell him that.” it was absolutely undeniable, he had swag.
the next morning i was buying groceries and flowers at the market, i had just come from a yoga class and was not helping myself beat the west village girl allegations as i strolled the aisles in leggings and a matching sports bra. a woman named trina was my cashier, immediately when i walked up i was suffocated by her energy. she exclaimed, “you are GLOWING, i get the vibe you had a tough week and just went a yoga class and are all relaxed now” i laughed because i HAD had a tough week and i WAS feeling more relaxed now. we chatted about her plans for the weekend and i left trina floating on her kindness, overcome with affection for her attitude.
i spent the rest of the day thinking about these two interactions, what they meant to me and how they made me feel. both ponytail phil and trina possessed a compelling quality that made me feel seen, but there were distinct energetic differences i could not shake. ponytail phil had what we all know to be charisma, also know as rizz, swag, game, “it”, etc. trina on the other hand, was overflowing with pure charm. by now you are probably wondering why i am even bothering to mull over the distinctions between charisma and charm, i suppose i am inexplicably fascinated by the differences between these two extremely similar intoxicating qualities, how they appear, and how one embodies them. the lazy way out of this would be by saying that charisma is derived from romantic attraction and charm is merely an excess of warm friendliness; however, i do not believe this to be the case. a healthy dose of both is needed in building any type of successful romantic, platonic, and professional relationship.
in my experience, charm is found in the warmth of a touch, the ability to welcome someone into a conversation organically, the filling up someone’s water glass before your own, remembering details about someone’s family they forgot they told you about…. the goal of charm is to selflessly melt someone down into puddle of their best qualities so that you are able to see them clearly. but while charm makes someone feel comfortable in your presence, charisma has the effect of feeling quietly yet desperately desired. you will never be fully at ease under the gaze of charisma, you will feel it’s grasp wrap around your throat so tenderly you will never know it was there until it is gone and your shallow breath has returned to normal… always when it is too late. unlike charm which leaves a person gooey and warm, the withdrawal effect of a charismatic person can unravel even the most level-headed.
inquiring minds would like to know where i fall on this spectrum, i used to feel that i had a disproportionate ratio of charm : charisma, always dripping with grace and only having situational charisma when i would run into a harmless crush or get dinner with a new friend for the first time. in 2025 i’ve made an active effort to not care about a lot of things that used to control my self-perception, and in turn feel exponentially more charismatic, but i still like to think that the sweetness of my words balance out the sharpness of my desires.
i encourage you to notice when you find yourself slipping into either attribute and your motives for doing so… and use them wisely as they can lead you to absolutely everything you’ve ever wanted and a plethora of things you do not.
my incredible friend
wrote a deep dive all about charm which is required reading if you read this!thank you for reading! obviously this was a bit all over the place, but i had fun. it is kind of short but that’s all i had in me today. also, i don’t want anyone thinking i am ragging on my date because i would literally never do that, he possesses swag i am sure of it, just not toward me, which is extremely fair and not a reflection on him at all… i will always respect my Boys, deeply.
i have gotten in the habit of telling you all what movie i watched the week prior and i cannot stop myself. i saw Weapons, it was beautifully insane. someone i know told me that it was “not scary” and i will never trust that person ever again. i am here to say that it was scary. awesome, but scary. i was extremely spooked walking home to my empty apartment. you should absolutely see it in a theatre except i will say i find the audiences of horror movies to be particularly bad, the girl in front of me was scrolling through her instagram story likes for the entire movie which is egregious to me.
happy last week of august! go get some ice cream and tell someone you are thinking about them and call a relative and lie in the sun and take yourself out to a very good dinner.
xoxoxo
I think about this distinction all the time! To me charm has always felt subtler, quietly captivating and enchanting rather than immediately arresting like charisma. Charisma feels more grandiose and like it is more explicitly demonstrated? I’m a fan of both, obviously. I also wonder about the difference of how charm and charisma are typically received when it’s a man vs. a woman?
Trina’s make the world go round !! But now I’m wondering, are you born with a finite amount of swag or can it be acquired