i'm having a brat summer

and you should be too

if we are close friends, you most likely have received a text from me reading, “sorry, i am just being a brat”. i hate slow walkers on the sidewalk, roll my eyes when someone in a packed yoga class takes up two spots with their mat, despise when people play music too loudly on the beach, feel hotly insecure every time i am around someone cruelly gossiping allowing my mind to spin into all the ways this rhetoric could be thrown back at me behind closed doors, loathe surface level conversations devoid of any humor or interest, get annoyed when people want to accomplish a goal but don’t want to actually work for it (maybe a boomer take). up until recently i have been pretty ashamed of the way these annoyances chip away at my shiny exterior. to the few people i let see the thin crack in my porcelain personality i always seal it back up with super glue through apologies and some kind of justification as to why life is actually great, and everything is beautiful.

charli xcx’s HIGHLY anticipated album of the summer, brat, debuted this week with a campaign so compelling it makes me question whether i should pivot careers and be a marketing creative director (i won’t). when i first heard the album title i loved it’s brutal simplicity, and assumed the album would be filled with unparallel party girl anthems. upon first listen i was struck by charli’s ability to convey the expansive, frustrating intoxicating, romantic, freeing, isolating, experience of being a woman. the second to last track on the album, i think about it all the time, explores her existential confusion about whether or not she wants to have a child is quickly followed by 365, a love letter dedicated to being in a club. the confidence that these universal experiences which extend across two widely sperate realms can exist within the same person is so refreshing it feels like being dunked in water. we are so rarely brought duality in art or in personality, somehow the world has stagnantly evolved to a place where in order to feel comfortable perceiving others and ourselves we must fit into a neatly square box evaporating any deviation. i think this is why i feel so awkward expressing any of my bratty tendencies, they don’t “fit” within the definition of how someone would describe me on the surface.

as i have slowly sunk into adulthood at a speed akin to standing in quicksand, i have found one of the most excruciating parts of aging to be able to confidently and accurately articulate what i want to everyone including myself. every time i ask for something as inconspicuous as an off-menu flavor of ice cream at my local shop (which i know they have in the back), i will ask with such shaky hesitation everyone is confused whether i actually want it or not. there is always a noticeable lack of conviction in my tone that suggests that if i do not get what i am asking for that is totallllllllllllly okay! don’t even worry about it! sorry i mentioned it!

i’ve beat myself up about these meek qualities i can’t seem to shake for a while, but this summer i have reached a point where i know i need to learn to be okay with all parts of myself, particularly the bratty side i try to stamp down. there is of course the aesthetic archetype of the brat girl- smokes cigs, perpetually wears sunglasses inside, has a flip burner phone she uses ironically, drinks redbull and black coffee, wears casual yet slutty (used endearingly) clothing such as a spaghetti strap tank and micro mini skirt. i love this girl and the visceral c*ntiness she exudes. personally, i am focused on the effervescent personality of a brat that charli audibly created. to me, that means loosening the reins of my innate reaction to fix every problem in my orbit with a smile on my face and allow myself to complain when it is justified. it means asking for what i want and not letting my voice quiver when i do so. it means strategically building the life i want and not passively floating by with saltwater silently stinging my eyes. it means being okay with the different aspects of my world that contradict one another but make sense to me, such as the wide array of personalities i am friends with, the spectrum of things i watch/read from low to highbrow, the ability to be “good with parents” and also “good at making friends at 3am in the bathroom line’, the enjoyment i derive from the structure of my corporate job coupled with the need to write creatively…

brat has landed in the ranks of some of my favorite things, which made me realize… i have always been drawn to characters who are portrayed as imperfectly complicated and sometimes downright bratty. to me, these women are underrated, they are manipulatively smart, ambitious, hardworking in non-traditional ways, extremely perceptive, and often make the world around them uncomfortable in their emotive motivations.

my favorite brats and why i believe they are misunderstood:

• cher from clueless- a few loyal angel cakers know that clueless is in fact my favorite movie so this comes to no surprise that this made my list. cher is meant to be depicted as insufferable, spoiled and meddling. all of which are true i suppose but i find that throughout the cinematic masterpiece (it is), she has the ability to take things into her own hands for the sake of the happiness of herself and others even if it is youthfully shortsighted. i also have always related to her high standards in men and unfortunately relate to finally having a crush on a boy and finding out he is gay (hahahah). i relate to cher in both her best moments and also her worst which is why i think i love the film so much.

• veruca salt from charlie and the chocolate factory- she knows what she wants, and she wants it now!!!!!! i feel the same way about the sweetgreen i ordered 45 minutes ago.

• marie antoinette (sofia coppola’s version)- we’re going to ignore historical accuracy for this example, but in the 2006 film i have always been struck by the universality of loneliness that spans centuries. also an O.G. party girl.

• cécile from bonjour tristesse- this is top of mind as i finished this book in one day while lying on the beach this past saturday (perfect summer read. euro summer is a state of mind). the protagonist is a 17-year-old rich french teenager spending the summer at a villa in the south of france. she conveys a similar shortsighted manipulative energy as cher which i felt compelled to. i won’t go into too much detail for fear of spoiling but i felt transported to a time when i was 17 trying to figure out where my place in the world would be and how i would get there.

• eloise at the plaza- eloise was the first time i remember being introduced to a character that confidently expressed herself and lacked a certain level of people pleasing awareness that i felt as though i was born with. she also held a level of hard work and devotion to her hijinks which i admire. her enthusiasm and commitment to keeping her life interesting is something that stuck to me and become one of my ~values~ so much so i now have a tattoo dedicated to her childlike wisdom.

what i’ve learned is that it is okay to feel a little bratty sometimes, shielding these emotions will only cause you to grow further and further from yourself.

i am well aware that this is my third substack exploring the cultural impact of charli xcx (year of the party girl, smile for the camera), and no i do not think that is weird at all.

also i wrote/edited this on a bus coming home from the beach while still salty and sweaty so if there are more typos than usual… i’m sorry!!!!!!!!

i appreciate you as always!!!!!!!!!!!!! i’m going to write another piece on dating soon i think, i might start a google form as a method of setting me up on dates to write about for research (and maybe for love tbd) so get your hot eligible new york friends in order and send them my way.

xoxoxoxoxo