smile for the camera!!!!

i am not an internet it-girl

charli xcx dropped nothing short of a cinematic masterpiece on friday for her new single 360 (unsurprisingly a perfect song). the video features pretty much every illustrious “it-girl” at the moment: gabriette, rachel sennott, alex consani, chloe cherry, hari neff, salem mitchell, tess mcmillan, julia fox, emma chamberlain, chloe sevigny (!!!!!!) and MORE. it does an incredible job simultaneously satirizing and celebrating this cunty-internet-princess-online-archetype that holds space in the upper echelons of the zeitgeist… aka “mothers”. i deeply adore these women in a parasocial way; however, i could not feel less like them even if i tried.

there is a specific scene at the end of 360 where the girls are describing how to give the “look”….. we all know the quintessential scary-hot-cool-girl face that oozes with confidence and a self-assurance in one’s appearance that can only be summed up in the simplest form of: HOT. their instructions for how to achieve this look are to be: “a little angrier. a little more slutty baby. be mysterious. chin down”. (a perfect, poignant, hilarious, description. god this video is so good).

to a fault, i am exhaustingly earnest and the antithesis of an angry-mysterious-slutty-baby. my voice rises one octave too high when i see someone i know and exclaim a “HI!!!” brimming with exuberance. i use too many exclamation marks in text messages, i am incapable of not blurting out a compliment when it pops into my head, i overshare details of my life with strangers, acquaintances and new crushes thus evaporating any potential sense of mysteriousness… whenever there is a camera present in my face i smile extremely wide with teeth.

a few weeks ago, i was at a party and someone took a picture of me, instinctively i smiled wide and a friend turned to me and said, “you’re so smiley!!!!” i rolled my eyes at the comment as i am constantly surrounded by pouty new york girls who know exactly how to pose and dress in an elusively inviting yet ultimately unknowable way. in that same week i had to fill in as a model for a product shoot for work (long story) and when the photographer asked, “do you want to try something edgier?” i replied “nooooooooooo i can’t do that” with a goofy grin plastered on my face.

historically, i have deeply resented this sugary sweet enthusiasm i tend to portray in all situations, i think because the promise of whatever i am not magically holds everything i don’t have. maybe if i was “hotter” by this it-girl standard i would have a smoldery boyfriend who gives icy glares while smoking cigarettes in rare vintage t-shirts, maybe i would always be able to get impossible restaurant reservations just by giving a sulky glance that screams “you HAVE to give this to me” instead of my usual go to look that screams, “NO PROBLEM AT ALL! if you have a table, that would be great. if not, no worries at all. i can tell it is busy.” maybe i would be taken more seriously and would never be told, “no”.

i am starting to believe that there is power in understanding how you want to present yourself in alignment with an authentic version of your core. i used to equate my earnestness as a conduit for a lack of confidence, but as i have gotten older i’ve realized it is an integral part of whatever personality i have been nurturing for the past 26 years (granted, a lot of the people pleasing tendencies i have had to stamp out with white knuckles). i’ve grown tired of wishing i was intimidatingly “hot” (for lack of a better term) because the brightest people in my life have known me to be this person, why would i want to dramatically alter who that is? i have built friendships that have made the smile lines on my face joyfully pronounced and given me the encouragement to publish this newsletter publicly, all while being the girl who smiles wide for the camera and will never fail to tell the girl in the line for the bathroom that i love her top… and i’m pretty proud of that.

i did not intend to drop a charli xcx it-girl think piece on mother’s day but here we are everything feels right haha!

also! i hit a subscriber milestone i never thought i would be able to achieve. thank you. so incredibly much. i love writing this newsletter but what i love even more is all of your comments and reactions to it, i still can’t believe people read my words every week it is so special. you are all so interesting and perfect. THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!

p.s. i’m writing/editing this on an amtrak train home from philadelphia after drinking two glasses of sauvignon blanc at mother’s day brunch so if there are more typos than usual… SORRY!

XOXOXOXOXOXO