how disciplined are you?

the hottest thing to be rn

i’ve been thinking a lot about discipline, i suspect because i tend to feel i concurrently possess too much and too little at all times. particularly in the context of my shopping habits, i have realized through cyclical years of closet clean-outs that the pieces i hold onto are those which i have had the discipline to thoughtfully save up for and source. the sugar-high-esque hit of a fast fashion piece my brain thinks i “need to have” because it is perceived as on-trend and is dangerously accessible does not last more than a year in my closet if generous. i strive to possess the discipline to only shop vintage and have a closet sparsely filled with vintage yohji yamamoto, 90s prada and tom ford era gucci but i worry i will never metamorphosize into that illusive type of disciplined cool girl who casually drops the sentence, “i only buy a few things per year and they’re usually archival” like it is the easiest thing in the world.

i do not think i am alone in this fear of a lack of self-restraint, i’ve noticed lately an integral form of social currency has been signals of discipline. how little you shop, how much you sleep, how much you save, how many times a week you work out, how many books you read, how miniscule your screentime is. maybe this is because i have somehow crept into my mid-to-late 20s where the subtle ticking of building a “adult” life has started to itch within my peers. a few days ago, i was talking to a friend who is training for a marathon and having a difficult time adjusting to the schedule, when i asked her why she really wanted to run it (albeit a rude question on my part), she said, “i think i just want to prove to myself i have the discipline to do it”. while i understand this thought process, it makes me question why we feel the need to prove to ourselves we have extreme levels of discipline. why are we not taught to cultivate the trust within ourselves to know that at the end of the day we all have the grit to make our lives the fullest, brightest, bounciness existence possible?

when i was growing up, having discipline was both fetishized internally and made fun of externally. it was “uncool” to spend every night studying, yet everyone secretly wanted to attend an ivy league school. it was “lame” not to drink to the point of blackout, yet it was embarrassing to yield any consequences of alcohol abuse such as vomiting or the texting of an ex. it was “vapid” to spend money on bleached hair and perfect eyebrows yet a perfectly manicured appearances was expected. silently throughout the years we gained the vulnerable confidence to articulate what we actually want, which unfortunately (and fortunately?) requires laser focused exertions of effort and work.

i think maybe this yo-yo swing of mature realization has led to this desire for external signals of restraint, but ego-driven competition will never cease to seep into healthy levels of anything. the “coolest” people are the ones perceived as having that perfect almost-teetering-over form of discipline that will never be off kilter. they have the self-possession to not care about what is on-trend at the moment yet somehow still perfectly exemplify everything that is currently cool. they still attend every function and manage to get 8 hours of sleep, knowing exactly when to leave the party. they excel in their career but never inch toward the magnetic pull of burnout. they workout 5x a week and are never sore or question whether they should cancel their class. they always eat the birthday cake, yet have bella hadid perfect abs.

in grasp of this illusive form of control over both fun and all forms of “health” what often happens is that we are fascinated by extreme ends of either direction. between those who reject the ideals of discipline or those who teeth-clenchingly attempt to prove they possess the highest form of self-control. this is why we have shein hauls gaining millions of likes on the same app where content creators are making videos claiming that they “only really buy a few things a year”. it’s why we glamorize messy party girls like kate moss and y2k era paris hilton, yet everyday there is a new wellness podcast at the top of the charts evangelizing the benefits of a 5am morning routine and intermittent fasting.

the silly part of it all is that this idealized form of control over our lives doesn’t exist. we will never be able to measure out the perfect amount of discipline and pour it into the metaphorical bowl that is our life. understanding the different level of discipline needed at various points of your life is crucial only if it is an insular act with the sole purpose of true betterment.

for now, i am going to focus on internally steering myself toward existing somewhere in the middle (a place i feel deeply uncomfortable in). i probably will never have a tiny closet filled with only rare vintage pieces, but i also know that i will never bring a fast fashion bodysuit into my door ever again. i know i will never run a marathon because i simply would loathe every second of it, but if i truly wanted to i know i could. i think the greatest form of discipline is finding your own perfect balance and fighting the urge to share it with the world.

also please never post your oura ring sleep stats to your instagram story.. i beg!

THANK YOU FOR READING!!!!!! this was a bit rambly (as usual) so let me know if you liked it. i appreciate you so much!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

also….. i am launching an additional weekly newsletter which will be for paid subscribers (i am sorry!!!!!!!!). it is going to be an advice column! if you have any questions you need advice on (fashion, dating, life, career, friendships… ANYTHING!) please email them to angelcake@substack.com and use “dear angel cake” in the bio (1000000000000000000000000000% anonymous)

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOX