what are your hobbies?

i hate this question

my least favorite part of a first date is the inevitable question, “so… what are your hobbies?” this is an extremely valid and earnest question to ask a new person you are trying to get to know, but for some reason it makes me squirm in my seat and my cheeks get hot when it is my turn to synthesize how i spend my time in a way that reflects my personality and values. in general, i have a really hard time talking about myself, which i am sure you are all surprised by because you read my self-indulgent rambles, but it feels less obnoxious to publish something someone can read at their leisure in accordance with their free will than it is to hold a gun to their head over a hamachi crudo and force them to listen to my disjointed explanation of what my “hobbies” are. i suppose i also struggle with this question because i am admittedly “bad at” and “do not enjoy” a lot of traditional hobbies, i get frustrated overwhelmed by cooking and baking anything complex, i do not enjoy any dexterous activities such as crocheting, painting, drawing, i kill every plant that comes into my apartment, i resent a puzzle… the list goes on and on.

i suppose there is something reductive and finite attached to the title of someone who enjoys “XYZ thing” as a Hobby. when i list out the activities i do that fill my free time, reading books, magazines and news publications, watching movies in a theatre, writing this substack, practicing yoga, eating at new restaurants with people i love, meditating, going to museums… they all feel more like a practice than a hobby to me. i suppose terms are synonymous, but from my perspective a practice holds more weight and reverence. these activities are integral parts of my life that i actively participate in with discipline and curiosity because they make me a better version of myself. they are not purely done in the vein of pleasure and distraction which is what i attach with a hobby, they are consistent rituals i choose to engage with to better understand myself. anyone who is devout to a particular exercise routine, journals regularly, or is an active member of a religious community, i am sure would feel silly describing those activities as mere “hobbies”.

maybe my issue is that i do not have enough “light” throwaway activities that are meant for fun and distraction, i make everything in my life too big and too important to lose. writing this substack started out as a “fun” hobby i almost wanted to keep a secret from people in my life and has transformed into an extension of my identity that i feel the pressure to water for fear of it dying, for better or worse. my mental health has made itself dependent on my yoga practice where i can breathe in a hot room with others while my phone sits in my locker. i start to itch and feel restless if i haven’t seen a film in a theatre in over a week. in order for my time to be spent on something i have unconsciously ensured that it pays me dividends of self-actualization in return.

last sunday as i was waiting to get a tattoo (also maybe a hobby of mine???) i fired off texts to different people from all aspects of my life asking them if someone were to ask them what their hobbies are, how would they respond. to my surprise a LARGE majority of the responses began with some iteration of “oh my god i hate this question…” i was surprised because i had assumed only i had this self-inflicted response to the question. when i probed them further, what was even more interesting is that no one could exactly pinpoint why they hated being asked. i worry that many of us are embarrassed and sheepish to admit how we spend our time. this worries me because there seems to be a cultural assumption that interesting people must have hobbies, when the two aren’t inherently related. in the stratosphere of my values which i use as guiding principles for choosing romantic partners and friends i find that people are often surprised to hear that having hobbies ranks quite low among my priorities. the reason for this is not because i do not value interest and curiosity, it is that i am often skeptical of the motivation for a self-proclaimed hobby. in earnest, a hobby is something to do in free time designed for pure enjoyment, in practice i often find that we sometimes talk about our hobbies as if we are a commodified package we are selling. i understand that this is a negative, and pessimistic perspective on activities we do for fun, but i have found that through everyone thinking they are a personal brand on instagram and the “necessity” of dating apps we unconsciously brand ourselves through activities that were once fun and are now a bullet point we can list to explain ourselves to strangers in order for them to digest our existence without taking the time to understand it. i often wonder how we would be spending our time if there was no one to perceive it.

in a more optimistic vein, i find it interesting when i meet someone who is an optimizer, their hobbies are vehicles for heightened enjoyment of critical tasks. cooking is a wonderful example of this, we all have to eat, and i am very endeared by someone who strives to make the daily act of eating more interesting and quite literally, fulfilling. using hobbies as a method of building community also falls into this category, we need community to thrive, and sometimes it feels easier to adapt to a community you were placed in (school, workplaces, etc.) than to build your own community through like-minded interests and hobbies. i have specific friends that i text to see a film, go to a gallery opening, attend a show/set, go vintage shopping, etc. i deepen my relationships with these people through our hobbies/practices, and in turn build my community in accordance with shared interest.

following your curiosity through the act of engaging in an activity for pure enjoyment is a beautiful, admirable, gorgeous inclination that we have. the purity of a hobby should be cherished and maintained, and if you are someone who feels innately called to spend your time engaging in a specific hobby, i bow down to your intrigue. you can be an interesting person whether you have a packed schedule filled with recreational volleyball tournaments, jewelry-making classes, and french lessons, or if you simply enjoy spending time with your friends. i am looking to fill my life with people who i can talk for hours and who are relentlessly kind to strangers… their hobbies are merely freckles on their face.

at the end of the day i wouldn’t say i am a woman of very many hobbies, i have practices i cultivate and interests i explore in an effort to better understand myself. i live a life of pleasure only truly understood by those who can reach out and touch me, and i prefer to say yes to dates with those who are somehow endeared by the way i talk with my hands, not by activities listed on a profile.

APPENDIX: the hobbies of my friends when asked (i am not revealing their identities because i did not get consent and do not have time to back and text each one of them to ask… you know who you are and i love you!)

• “watching movies/tv, cooking, dance workout classes, reading, drawing/art”

• “does keeping the bird feeder filled and watching the birds at the beach count? i also think card shopping at unique card stores is a hobby. finding the perfect card is an art. (hard to do)” - this is from my incredible, amazing, perfect, wonderful mother <3

• “running and writing”

• “running, trivia… how many do i need? going to the beach. is that allowed? love the beach.”

• “reading if that counts? trivia puzzles and crosswords.. does going to the movies count?”

• “lifting/running but i hate that as an answer. reading?? cooking? I WANT to be someone w real hobbies but i am not someone w real hobbies”

• “lmao why? but golf, video games, board games, reading a bit, kinda guitar, movies, sports, record collecting, writing, and i’m sure there’s more i can’t name off the top of my head..” - also revealing that this is from my little brother everyone say hi tim

• “socializing, walking, reading, writing, in that order. and explicitly not traveling. i love to travel but i fundamentally disagree with the teehee i’m never here crowd”

• “seeing art. talking about art. going to Dimes cafe to gossip with my friends.” - received consent to quote my lovely friend Rose Florence

• “my hobby is living my life exactly the way that i want” - my amazing friend Ellen Claire who sent me a voice note on the topic that i treasure

• “yoga, reading, watching movies, discovering new music and foods, making videos/taking photos, shopping/thrifting, camping in the summer, journaling”

• “texting my friends”

• “i thought you hated hobbies sksksk”

• “i would say baking, reading, and collecting vinyls”

  

THANK YOUUUUUU FOR READING! this is a very very complex topic, and i will probably publish a part two at some point!

i would love to hear your relationship to hobbies, whether you are someone who has many or if you struggle to define them, there is no right or wrong answer!

i love you all very much, exploring topics like this and subsequently having discourse around it is one of the greatest gifts of my life, i am so grateful for you!

i hope you have an amazing week and if you live in New York, enjoy the weather!!!!! go get an ice cream cone, get a meal outside, go on a date and kiss on a sidewalk etc.