we should all just start committing to the bit

the bit being the unearthed hilarity of life

i still remember being in the basement of my childhood home planted at our flimsy wooden computer desk searching online for the perfect cher horowitz halloween costume. it had to be an exact replica, there was no room for error. i made sure my hair was extra long in october of that year to be as close to cher’s as possible, i searched on youtube for “cher horowitz makeup tutorial” only to be faced with 0 results (i guess most people don’t need a tutorial for no makeup makeup but i did (and still do)). that year i watched clueless almost every week, even when i had plans with kids my own age i secretly wished i was amongst my friends at beverly hills high laughing at jokes that were too mature for me to understand at the time. after my costume arrived from a questionable website (my parents fell prey to my zealous nature… a consistent theme in my life), i pooled my birthday money together and had my mom drive me to the mall to buy a mini longchamp backpack to complete the look (this was the height of luxury to me at the time). the weary nordstrom sales associate sighed as she took the crumpled up bills from my hot pink sparkly fingers, my ear to ear grin almost reflecting against the shiny creases in her forehead. later that day in my tiffany blue bedroom looking in the mirror at my final costume, i thought to myself, “oh my god, i can’t believe i get to do this”. when i arrived to my halloween party of 15 kids in a basement, 1 mysterious water bottle that tasted like gasoline, i was fielded with questions from variations of sexy cats and sports jerseys*

“that’s like an old movie right?” literally not at all

“okay, but i thought cher had brown hair?” that’s Cher. not cher horowitz, who was appropriately named by her mom who died via liposuction complications.

“wow it seems like you spent a lot of money on your costume” ??? why would i not spend money on something that is purely meant for my enjoyment? what’s the point of life?????????

at the end of the night i felt a strange mix of exhaustion, a sprinkle of shame but mostly pride that i am the way i am and i love the things i do so deeply even if other people don’t understand it. this is the feeling i would later have on bad first dates when my enthusiasm was met with shallow bemusement and confusion. halloween was the first time i realized, i love a BIT. any situation that slightly bends the monotonous fabric of our existence draws me in, the more effort the better. in middle school when someone used to ask me why i was so dressed up (which happened most days) i would be so confused and answer, “why not??????”, in high school i would live for our spirit week and spent months planning what i wear on each themed day, i thankfully chose a university that allowed me to attend a themed party 3 nights a week (RIP to my party basket). now that i am an Adult and my access to themed parties with my friends is tragically limited, i find that i still subconsciously manage to craft a bit out of my life whenever possible:

for weeks my friends have heard me lament on how badly i want to try all of the weekly crumbl cookie flavors with them- the key thing to note here is that i know the cookies are probably not good, and most likely overpriced. but the videos of these girls meditatively breaking each fake looking cookie apart while they describe these odd flavors in soft tones as icing sticks to their acrylic nails is a BIT to me. i love it.

recently someone at work messaged that they had a surprise for me, when i walked into their office i was presented with multiple beautifully absurd snoopy related items because anyone who knows me knows how much i love Him, i jumped up and down at the sight of them momentarily forgetting i was at work, "thank you so much- this is just so funny to me. my life is a bit.”

my favorite sentences usually begin with, “hear me out…. what if we……”

i think my commitment to cracking open as much levity in my life as possible stems from the fact that i just simply care a lot about everything, arguably too much. it’s the part of me that somehow brings the most joy and causes me the most pain. however, i’ve noticed that lately i have been caring a bit less about things, it’s a foreign numbness that i expected to feel good, but instead it’s as if my life is slipping off of me, slowly burning like acid as it drips down. some evenings i get home and do all the things i’m supposed to do while trying to remind myself that everyone is tired and has to put their clothes away, i should be grateful even though in that moment i’m not. when i finally “finish” all my tasks and sit down i always notice one thing lingering that i forgot, mocking me with my own incompetence. the cabinet that is not organized, the lightbulb that needs to be changed but it’s too high for me to reach and i’m nervous i’m going to fall off my pink step ladder, the fact that i still have to wash my face with the expensive cleanser that i bought because i wanted the liquid dissolving the makeup i apply in an attempt to make me look slightly pretty to be as luxurious as possible to soothe my raw blotchy face i hate, but in reality all i want is to furiously rub it all off with a artificial neutrogena face wipe from cvs because i’m embarrassed to care about how i look and even more embarrassed to be dissatisfied with the result. it’s all enough to make me go crazy. but i think i want to be sticky again, letting my experiences stay with me for so long they eventually morph into my fingerprints.

what helps is momentarily diverting my attention to the silly bits in life that my friends and i have an unspoken holy devotion to, like what to be for halloween or how i want to have a romeo & juliet adaption movie marathon soon because i can do that or what we’ll order at the union square pf changs or how i also want to try all of the wingstop chicken tenders those girls eat on screen in addition to crumbl or the can of strawberry and cream sugar free dr. pepper i am going to find tomorrow because i want to know what it tastes like and i just want a few seconds of untethered pure stupid joy. maybe my purpose in life is to seek out the moments that make me think to myself, “oh my god, i can’t believe i get to do this” to feel how i did when i first tried on my cher costume and felt overwhelmed with pride for being the way i am. and if that is my purpose, what a gift that is.

*your bit doesn’t have to be halloween, and i don’t want it to seem like i’m Not Like Other Girls by dressing up as something niche for halloween (i am proudly Just Like Other Girls), wear whatever you want !!!! your bit is anything that makes you so excited you put a little too much effort into it and brings you a level almost childlike joy- this can be as big or as small as you want.

if you do like halloween,

Allegra Samsen

posted an incredible halloween costume round-up i highly recommend.

please tell me your own personal bits!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

thank you for reading!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

will give you all my crumbl review.