the necessity of imposter syndrome

how do you manage your expectations?

we are coming to the end of a very palpable time of year in New York, intern season. aside from the subway being slightly more crowded than usual due to an influx of 20 year old boys in Lululemon chinos and the line outside Red Lion being so long it obstructs my route home to my apartment, intern season for me is marked by a plethora of “Coffee Chats!” being added to my calendar. i immediately accept every single invitation with genuine enthusiasm because i so vividly remember my time as a eager intern trying to suck up any drop of opportunity i could squeeze out of an interaction. i was halfway through a $7 cold brew talking to a bright and shiny young intern when she paused and asked me, “i get the sense you don’t have a lot of imposter syndrome, you seem so confident! what are your tips for not doubting yourself?” (she probably said this because i was wearing a leather pencil skirt. no one could never think that a girl (woman?) in a leather pencil skirt could ever doubt her abilities.) while i do find this to be a great question, i laughed warmly and said, “oh no i get imposter syndrome all the time, but i don’t think that’s a bad thing… we should all have healthy dose of it to keep our feet grounded.” naturally, her mouth hung open, she asked me elaborate.

imposter syndrome is typically referred to into professional spaces, but the feeling of it permeates all aspects of our lives. it is found at a party or dinner table where you feel impossibly small, in a relationship where you can’t believe you got so lucky to be with a specific person, in any creative space full of opinions etc. i make this point as an effort to remind you of it the next time you see someone looking lost and secure at a party or when your romantic partner feels anxious meeting your friends for the first time or when your friend has a big presentation at work. i can assure you that the most powerful way to be is warm.

at my most impressionable age i was sucked up the rhetoric of the Girlboss Era. i figured that as soon as i was 18 years old i would rise to become someone worth listening to like Leandra Medine or Emily Weiss, simply by sheer divine intervention. that of course, did not happen because i did not take into account my big, sensitive heart and lack of experience in pretty much everything. since then, i have learned that my greatest strength is my humility. i take the time and listen to the perspectives of everybody in a room because fundamentally i know that i am no better than them. when i meet a stranger i am enamored by the advantage of their perspective over mine. i have never been able to grasp the concept that i am “deserve” to be somewhere because we all “deserve” to be in a lot of places. i graciously admit my mistakes, blindspots, and shortcomings; as much as i try to mitigate my failures i know to some degree they will remain a wrinkle in my being (again, hence why there are so many typos always… no one can ever say that angel cake was written using AI let me tell you THAT).

now, i want to be clear that i am never one to doubt my abilities and nor should you doubt yours. it is not that i lack confidence, but rather that i mirror the confidence i have in myself in others. i am constantly astounded by the brilliance of my friends and colleagues and writers and strangers. every time i read the comment section of this newsletter i am in awe that so many funny, cool, intelligent people willingly choose to engage with my run-on sentences. i guess my friendly relationship to imposter syndrome is also attributed to my lack of competitive nature. while i am ambitious, i am not even an ounce competitive. my goal is never to “win”, my goal is to live… i guess that is why i always feel a pang of sadness for the losing team in a sports game (there is just so much pressure!!!!! the city is on your back!!!! how can anybody do that!!!!!).

i have noticed that there is a palpable optimism i bring to my relationships that requires me to perceive in others what they are capable of even if they do not see it themselves. i extend this grace to myself as well, i will always land on my feet and believe you will do the same. i find the language around imposter syndrome to be unsettling and can lead to a lack of empathy needed in positions of power. empowerment should not be taught in the detriment of self-awareness, instead the two qualities should actively shake hands with one another, tightening their grip when the other loses perspective. it is important to note that imposter syndrome has come into our lexicon as more women have entered positions of influence, and what i want to reiterate that i am NOT trying to disempower women, quite the opposite. power and humility are not mutually exclusive despite the many powerful freaks we know who do not have an ounce of morality in their body (just look at quite literally every person running this country).

EPILOGUE: A FEW WEEKS LATER…

the irony is that i wrote all of the above a few weeks ago and have since experienced something that has plagued me with crippling imposter syndrome, i spent a week blistering in the sun listening to waves cycle through thoughts about why my existence could be twisted into unworthiness. taking a step back i realize that this was less about imposter syndrome and more about an explosion of my ego. for a brief moment i inflated my importance to other people which is a value of mine i try to keep by the skin of my teeth. i know there are people more talented than i, PLENTY of writers who are more skilled than i, girls that are hotter than i could ever dream of being… but instead of turning away from these truths i try to bathe in them to remind myself the important balance between my determination and my empathy. you should never push your imposter syndrome away… you should get to know it, understand it’s motives, befriend it, and use it as a tool to embody your values. i use mine to constantly strive to live fully present in a life i design for not only myself but those around me, always rooted in pleasure and never slipping into complacency.

every time i write a angel cake conclusion i feel like a drunk girl in a bathroom saying “i love you guysssssssss” but i do! thank you for reading, i know i say this all the time but writing this really brings me so much joy as do your extremely insightful comments.

also, this was purposely vague like most angel cakes are because i like to keep the tone of my writing to be personal, but the details private. i appreciate you respecting that <3

i saw molly gordon’s new film Oh, Hi! last week and LOVED IT! i really wish i had watched it before i published my Materialists takedown because i thought it did an exceptional job at synthesizing the “moment” without feeling forced. it was awesome.

oh and i’ve been writing a lot of fiction recently! i might start publishing them for paid subscribers in the fall (not because i am trying to get my bag, but because i’m trying to keep it amongst Kind People Only) if you are my friend or just a dedicated angel caker, text or DM me and i’ll send a few over to you, would love feedback.

have a wonderful week muffins xoxo THANK YOU!