the barriers to instinct

accidentally wrote about charli again

on thursday night i saw charli xcx’s new mockumentary The Moment, anyone who knows me can imagine that i obviously loved it (not even my searing pain post-wisdom teeth surgery kept me from the lincoln center amc on opening night…). the premise of the film was a psychological thriller about what could have happened if charli did not follow her own instincts when producing the brat tour and succumbed to bad managers, the pressures of commerciality, and the perception of her peers. this is by no means a perfect film, which is a part of its charm and power (in my opinion!). i have always been immensely inspired by charli, mainly for her intuitive creative impulses to produce work that feels so creatively ambitious you can feel her grasp in every decision that is made. she embodies a quality of nonchalance and chaos despite an unfathomable amount of output she produces, which to me is only possible from someone who has “rebranded” so many times she has self-actualized to a level where everything she creates undeniably feels like an extension of her.

i left the theatre after seeing The Moment and walked home from the christopher st downtown 2 station with my swollen cheeks turning red from the -1 degree windchill and thought about why it is so difficult to not only create original work, but to feel true intuition that informs us of our opinions and values which inherently inform the work (i am using “work” extremely broadly here to describe any creative pursuit or hobby or career... the puzzle you built last night is considered “work”). to me, i find the barriers to instinct are perfection and perception, two detrimental concepts we are all aware of in theory, but fail to realize how deeply they permeate fear in our decisions.

the perils of perfectionism are a universally agreed upon threat, therapists and corporate companies empower us to be our authentic selves and to make mistakes and be messy, yesssss you go girl. those who do not know me well assume that i am a perfectionist by the way i criticize myself and strive to improve everything that i do, this bothers me a bit because i find perfectionism and ambition are often used interchangeably. i derive a lot of inspiration from art that feels imperfect (à la The Moment), especially in an era where we have AI at our fingertips to refine our human impulses. even if we “reject” notions of perfectionism, we still delay projects and hold ourselves back from goals due to the fear that it could have been better if only we have more time and more effort because everything in the future will be better than what we have right now. the only way to evolve is through flaws, waiting for something to be perfect, or for yourself to become a perfect person for somebody else, will only delay the growth that will actually get you to where you need to go.

i can easily understand how someone accidentally bows on their knees before those who perceive them. the other week i was mid-sip of a very strong martini when an acquaintance asked me why i stopped publishing angel cake frequently. my eyes went wide and i immediately felt defensive, a symphony of excuses and justifications rolled off my tongue which were concluded by me assuring my friend that, “i will start to publish weekly again!” the reason why i haven’t published at the same cadence is because i do have a Full Time Job i love, have been focusing on Another Writing Project, and also just simply have not felt inspired to write (it ebbs and flows, i hate the winter!!!!). nothing about publishing fewer newsletters a month means that i have “failed” myself or my readers, but i found myself giving excuses as to why i am “failing” based on an innocent question from a friend that made me feel like a failure in their gaze. i do not like to admit how often others’ perception of me seeps into my self-concept, it is the reason why my voice will shake when i am speaking to more than 30 eyes blinking back at me, and why i can hide behind a computer and convince myself that no one will read this anyway it’s fine it’s fine it’s fine! someone recently told me that i should start posting on tik tok, to which i replied, “absolutelyyyyy not.” i feel empowered by the anonymity of a screen where i can three-dimensionally exist offline somewhere no one else can see, perhaps if i got over this i would be more successful in all realms of my life and have the courage to create whatever my equivalent of brat is or maybe i’ll just be a bit happier and get everything that i want from my life. i abide by the overarching principle that i am not important to other people, and that our lives mean nothing in the grand scheme of It All, and while that is enough to get me over the hump of writing publicly and wearing whatever i want, i still digitally feel the pricks of my peer’s perception every single day. we are not meant to feel like we are being watched, observed, or judged like we are on a stage, but unfortunately we exist in a world partially ruled by likes and comments and views, it is our job to intentionally create a practice of letting perception wash over us and not getting stuck in the process.

i read a review of The Moment that criticized the “purpose” of the film, basically saying that the entire plot had “no point” which i found surprising. to me, understanding the intent of our ambition and successfully stepping over perception and perfection when making the decisions that shape our lives is a very important point. understandably, it is hard to connect charli’s creative struggles with our own lives because… we’re not pop-stars (unless i have any secret pop-star readers, which in that case, reveal yourself). creativity is a term that has been bastardized as of late, so much so that when we hear it, we discard it as a term meant for elusive cool people who have multi-hyphenated job titles their accountants do not understand, instead of critically applying its definition to our lives. to understand and know yourself is the only way to leverage your creativity in how you build your life, approach a challenge, form friendships and choose romantic partners. whether you like charli xcx or not, i encourage you to consider her strength as someone who has kicked, clawed, and carved out a place for her work through the very barriers many of us are still unknowingly held captive by.

thank you for reading! i have tried to build angel cake as a place of empathy and warmth, if you are a reader, i hope that resonates with you— what is happening in the US as a result of the Trump administration is immoral, the exploitation of ICE to terrorize and destroy the lives of our neighbors, family, community members, friends etc. is disgusting, terrifying, unjustifiable, pathetic, unpatriotic, corrupt, evil, abhorrent (many, many, many more adjectives that could be used). if you are a paid subscriber (thank you!) i have donated your monthly payment to the Immigrant Defense Network.

i love you all my sweet, sweet, sweet cherubs.