i'm really good at puzzles

not good at "sitting back and letting things happen"

i wrote and published this in september 2023, sometimes i come back to it when i need to remind myself that i unfortunately can’t control life which is something i’ve been thinking a lot about… it’s both comforting and slightly concerning to me that something i wrote a year ago can still be so relevant to my life…. enjoy!

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i’ve always loved puzzles. as a kid i would sit in my kitchen as the sun cycled through the windows above the dining room table and carefully place each piece in its little home; meditatively running my fingers across each crevasse and turning it around to visualize where it was predestined to belong. there is something deeply cathartic about slowly building it’s perfect final form, each piece a bit different yet somehow has a place to go. i always hold my breath a little, and only exhale when the puzzle is solved and everything is tightly snug in place. i loved the feeling of completeness, everything fit exactly how it was meant to with no margin for ambiguity. growing up, i tried to bring the same logic of solving a puzzle to how i pictured my life. shockingly, i couldn’t sit back and lay each piece of my life out carefully building upon itself until it magically becomes a fulfilled masterpiece where everything made sense. i tried to shove pieces where they don’t belong. it kind of fits!! almost!!! but there is always something that doesn’t quite lay correctly.

in reality, my life kind of feels more like playing a game of dominos, different pieces arranged haphazardly without rhyme or reason, sometimes getting a bit too close to one another and topping over resulting in a beautifully messy pile until i start over and do it again, unsure when my pieces will inevitably topple over and what it will look like when they do. lately i have been thinking more about the unexpected nature of my life, how paradoxically terrifying and beautiful it is. i’ve realized my resistance with the unknown has nothing to do with the actual unexpected events themselves, instead it’s an insatiable need to know what comes next no matter the outcome… a fear expansive enough to keep me up at night and make my fingers slightly twitch at the thought of it.

there are a few things i can control... the outfit i wear to run errands, whether or not i text my mom first to check in, what sex and the city episode i’m going to rewatch, whether or not i take the extra time to hold the door open for a stranger, my ability to remember a new person’s name, the muffin i choose at the bakery on a saturday, how kind i am to other people, how kind i am to myself, my costume for halloween this year, what i write in the birthday cards i deliver to friends, the art i hang on my walls, the color i pant my nails, the books i get to read and the tv i get to watch. those are really the only things that matter anyway, the rest is none of my business.

this was short and sweet because not everything needs to be a extremely well researched deeply fleshed out lengthy piece (telling myself that). my brain is not working today and i tried to write something but i read it back and it makes no sense, hopefully will be Back next week <3

hopefully some fellow control freaks and puzzle kids can relate to this. as always, love to hear your thoughts.

i appreciate you so much!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

xoxoxooxoxo