how to do everything when you have time to do nothing

my embargo on describing yourself as "busy"

we are closing out a month that answers the question, “how are you?” with “good but soooooooooo busy!” i try my hardest to not whine about my schedule because being busy is purely self-inflicted. you create your routine, to complain about its aptitude is to complain about how you choose to live. all that being said, in the past month i myself have *excessively* complained about how overwhelmed and busy i am as if i had no say in the matter which has caused me to think a lot about how the way i choose to spend my time has evolved (and i encourage you to do the same as all of our time is extremely precious and valuable).

HOW I USED TO SPEND MY TIME

(i didn’t actually map out the hours, this is just a vibes based analysis)

50% - work/writing

30% - quality time with friends

20% - fun and nonsense/parties/events

5% - working out/yoga

10% - miscellaneous media/interests (books, movies, tv etc.)

now sweet readers, you may have realized that this calculates to 115%, which was an accident however illustrates my point that my baseline is already operating at 115%.

HOW I AM CURRENTLY SPENDING MY TIME

70% - work/writing

30% - quality time with friends

25% - fun and nonsense/parties/events

10% - working out/yoga

5% - miscellaneous media/interests (books, movies, tv etc.)

now you see, this calculates to approx 140%. precisely my problem.

again, i want to be so clear that these pockets of time are dictated by no one other than myself. my issue is that i constantly feel constricted by my enthusiasm for my life… last week at a party that i willingly threw in my apartment i was venting to a stranger and heard myself saying, “i am in a prison of fun.” clearly, i need to get over myself. i think i am having such a hard time shifting the pie chart of time that is my life because i believe how you spend your time is a direct reflection of your values. i value being a good friend, a consistent writer, a present and communicative partner, veracious reader, and dutiful daughter/sister/niece/cousin to my family. any small decrease of time spent pursuing these identities feels like a slight towards people that i love and a life that i asked for.

there is also the voyeuristic pressure of being inundated with everyone else’s priorities, lately i have felt my stomach twinge when i see people finishing books i have been wanting to read and attending events i RVSP’d “no” to because i didn’t have the time. this is an extremely lame perspective to have because i know only .2% of what goes on in their life and have no insight into what they are giving up in lieu of finishing I Who Have Never Known Men which has remained unopened next to my bed. instinctively i know this, however, the pressure is what keeps me from sleeping 8 hours a night. i suppose this tension could be attributed to an anxiety of boredom*, which ironically inevitably melts my overused brain into something mushy and dull.

the obvious answer to my basic conundrum of priorities shifting around in my life is to change my definition of “everything” i expect myself to do. the more i add without taking away, the less i find myself enjoying the time i carve out for “fun” which is my biggest fear. the people in my life who i admire the most are those who know how to say no and create a sustainably fulfilling life for themselves. your identity is laid in your ability to leisurely exhale, not in how many parties you attend or books you read or minutes spent in a high plank. the most luxurious way to live is to not be rushed, that is how you do your everything.

i say this now more than ever… THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR READING!!! i am truly Trying My Best to write in a way that remains fun and sustainable to me, and your patience while i figure all of that out is so wonderful.

also i deeply apologize for being annoying and talk about subscriber milestones but there are 30K angel cakers out there and i could not be more astounded and grateful for each and every one of you- THANK YOU!

*boredom is a whole separate topic that i will probably write about soon.. stay tuned

i hope you have an amazing week that is fruitful and steady and calm!

xoxoxoxo