how much do you share?

unsurprisingly, i would never click "quiet preferred" in an uber

i always say that how much i reveal in angel cake is equivalent to what i would tell a stranger at a dinner party after two drinks, which is to say… probably too much. this is not because i am a particularly confident and self-assured person, my clumsiness prevents me from being mysterious no matter how hard i try. i was having coffee with a friend last week discussing details of my life only those who speak to me face-to-face would know about. during our conversation she paused and said, “it’s funny, you write pretty intimately but you don’t overshare.” i took this as a compliment, i have been feeling especially anxious when acquaintances and family and close friends tell me things such as, “oh i didn’t realize you did that… you didn’t post about it” or “you always seem so happy!!!!!!!!!” this is a mess of my own creation, i am aware. i write personal essays and post pictures of my life which feel substantial enough to create an outline of who i am and what i do. i’m sure we’ve all experienced this feeling, when someone in your life mistakes your digital footprint for your fullness or when you realize a random friend from the past still has access to your location on find my friends. it feels strange and unsettling to feel perceived in general, it feels even more strange to be subjected to perception under your own control. i control the words i write, the pictures i post, the music and articles i share, yet i get sick if i let myself think about them rinsed through someone else’s thoughts. sometimes i worry that i have created a frankenstein’s monster of myself who writes and galavants around while i sit at home and replay all the stupid things i’ve said to interesting people.

i crack open the door to my life ever so slightly for whoever stumbles upon my written words, this is ironic because i have been told by many in my real life that i have a hard time letting people in at all. like most things, i indulge in the extreme and teeter between oversharing and undersharing. strangers at parties and in bathroom lines have gotten more out of me than most therapists have. on a bad first date, i overshare details about myself to disguise my displeasure, accidentally inciting a cruel cycle of unrequited desire. on a good first date, i have a hard time revealing even simple things like what i had for breakfast causing me to act strange and tight (obviously an unfair, unsustainable, and simply immature tendency of mine, i am Working On It). my best friends are constantly frustrated when i casually reveal details about myself they’ve never heard of. a colleague once said that i “make people work for it” as if i was a dictator overseeing laborers digging for my affection.

i am increasingly aware of how easy it could be to slip into sharing more online than in my real life. it’s the same reason we have the option to click “quiet preferred” on uber and “leave outside the door” on delivery apps (and don’t get me STARTED on those self-driving ride share services. blasphemy.). we walk around with headphones in which allow us to exist in our own world which makes it feel slightly more normal to live in a floating digital ether. we’ll always have an innate desire to share as a byproduct of our self-importance, but we’ve gotten so uncomfortable with eye contact we channel kinetic energy into breaking up with someone via text or sharing secrets with strangers on a screen in place of feeling the warmth of someone’s touch (a redundantly obvious observation that i do think about all the time). what this boils down to is the lengths we’ll go to to avoid vulnerability which leave our days feeling flat, stale and lonely which is why we overcompensate through curation of a life shared online.

at the end of the day, i will always remain a mostly private person. i’ll never write explicitly about the intricacies of my friendships, the boys i “seriously” date (the guy who told me he was born in SoCal but culturally baptized in Japan was an outlier, i couldn't help myself with that one), or revealing family secrets. these are all boring details anyway which only serve as silent ignitors to interesting thoughts. i selfishly enjoy the pleasure of knowing my life belongs to me too much, but i will pry myself open for those who want to hear the faint murmurs of my heart beating in-between silences.

(and to chatty uber drivers).

thank you for reading!!!! i wrote this slightly drunk on the amtrak (my favorite way to write) on mother’s day. happy mother’s day to your mothers and to YOU if you are a mother !!!! this year in particular, i find myself overcome with awe of mothers (again, drunk), it’s a strength and a beauty i hope to one day somehow emulate. i write a lot about my mother, who i owe every ounce of myself to. she has taught me the importance of humility, unwavering kindness and tenacity. i also write a lot about my grandmother, one of her favorite songs was beast of burden by the rolling stones, my hope is that you listen to it and a sprinkle of her charm lands on you from above.

also, i wrote an article about the red socks i always wear, it’s fun and light.

thank you for reading, always. HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY!

xx