dear angel cake, i think i am still in love with my ex

my controversial thoughts on getting closure

Dear Angel Cake,

I think I am still in love with my ex. He was my first great love and we broke up five years ago - we were young and at that time, had grown apart. Now he lives on the other side of the world.

 I’ve tried dating multiple other people in those five years and the longest relationship since has been three months. I can only get up to a certain point with others, but I can never truly let my walls down. I find it easier just to cut off. My mind still drifts back to my ex, as much as I try and suppress those thoughts. 

I don’t think he feels the same, but should I tell him how I feel anyway? I wonder whether the clarity of him telling me in plain and simple terms that he doesn’t feel the same will help me move on, or whether it will just crush my spirit.

Yours,
Probably unrequited

dear probably unrequited,

first of all, i want to virtually give you a big hug (i am not a hugger by nature so this feels more natural anyway) and i want to validate the excruciating intangible what-ifs that come with a relationship ending young. i will admit that my natural instinct whenever a friend reveals to me that they still think about a long-lost ex is to scream at the top of my lungs “GO FOR IT. TELL THEM HOW YOU FEEL. WE ARE SO YOUNG!!!!!” and while i abide by this philosophy, what jumps out to me the most from your letter is the inability to let your guards down in a new relationship (as someone who has never let a guard down once in her entire life, I GET IT <3). i would try to decipher from the depths of your thoughts whether you are staying guarded because of your ex as a person (the essence of him, the way he treated you, how you felt about yourself when you were with him), or if you are shielded by the craving of familiarity. humans are fairly risk adverse, and once our brain experiences safety and comfort we tend to naturally yearn for what we know as opposed to bracing for the unknown- this is natural!!! but it can create confusion as to how you actually feel when you are with him.

i have mixed feelings on closure, my perspective is that seeking closure from another person can SOMETIMES (not always!) be a crutch we lean on in order deflect the responsibility to learn the ways to move on by ourselves (this is way easier and flowery when typed out than in practice). i think the ability to give yourself closure as opposed to seeking it out from him explicitly could ultimately be the empowerment and momentum to finally believe that no matter what, you will be okay, whether that is ultimately with or without him which in turn will help you decide to reach out or not.

the good news is- there is no wrong answer here… “go with your gut” is a bit of a advice column cop-out so what i am going to advise instead is to take another year and really try to build your world without him in it, go on bad dates, go on good dates, ask a girl you think is cool and slightly intimated by to hang out and see what happens, go to movies alone, write your phone number on a paper napkin and give it to a stranger, watch your favorite movie and order takeout when you are feeling sad on a sunday night. most importantly, start that thing you always wanted to do (record a song, bake a cookbook start to finish, start posting your artwork... idk!) whatever that thing is to you that you always felt would take up too much time or seemed too daunting. it is annoying to hear, but the second you start pouring more of yourself into things that light you up, the clearer your vision will be.

also, dating in this day and age sucks! it kind of feels like a bad cruise ship buffet, a plethora of disappointing options you have dangerously easy access to at your fingertips that often leave you feeling queasy without any reprieve of freshness. however, i urge you not to go back or settle for something because it seems like a better option that what is out there, your life can inexplicably change in a second as long as you are portraying the truest version of yourself.

xoxoxo,

angel cake

starting next week this column will be an extra weekly letter on wednesdays for paying subscribers (if you submit the question i will email you the answer directly <3) please email angelcake@substack.com with “dear angel cake” in the subject and it can be about ANYTHING! dating, friendships, career, fashion, family etc… xoxoxo